A Quandary

quan·da·ry [kwon-duh-ree, -dree] : a state of perplexity or uncertainty, esp. as to what to do; dilemma.

Sometimes I see our being as a circus, a quirky and complex series of efforts to build nothing on top of nothing, higher and higher, only to find it all disintegrating and self-destructing. This is an existential quandary of mine. It is taxing, it is frustrating. The clueless either never suspect a thing, or they are aware, but deliberately disengage. There arise instances throughout the day where I fail to see whether or not sincerity, humor, regret, passion, pain, happiness, etc. actually reside within the core of others. I dig past the surface conditions and attempt to place myself in the position of others, but remain perplexed, and in some cases, more so than before.

I often find it impossible to remove the filter of my own experiences, to obtain true sympathy. The world through my eyes is biased and skewed. This is a handicap. Are so many people really so empty? Does so many people’s entire existence really consist of little more than fluff? Where is the originality, the concrete personality in all of this? Perhaps none of us are truly original anymore…but that is getting into something else altogether. I digress.

I think the most interesting people and things I have encountered are the quiet and peculiar ones— those that, from the exterior, show only a hint of what boils underneath. The inside, however, exists as a whirlpool of wonderful and extraordinary things and abilities, a place where surprise lurks around the every corner. These are the real talents, the most interesting buildings, the best surprises, the coolest cars, etc. Unfortunately, I think most people and things are quite the opposite—all show with little or no compensation. What a bore.

In today’s world, it seems merit is becoming easier to fake. Admittedly, I sometimes indulge in the fluff—our tangled mess of social (and thus personal) constructs—but I have always ensured myself a way out. In constantly attempting to realize and question the larger meaning of where I am and what I am actually doing, I seem to remain grounded, or at least sustain a certain amount of self-satisfaction…for what it’s worth. Either way, it is a valuable thing to me. I only hope I can hold on to it.


Photo not by me. Drawing by Parker A.